We are living in a strange time, people are more isolated than ever before. Trust has become a rare commodity. And Jesus’ prediction in Matthew 24:12 is fast approaching where the “love of most is growing cold”.

Coldness of heart is what makes for a lonely world. 

But we can turn up the heat by learning the four phases of relational warmth. It is critically important to get the order of the phases right. Order matters and that is the most important part. Oddly enough, most people you talk to or follow on-line have the phases in reverse – and this is what is bringing on the coldness faster. 

Here they are, so listen close…

Phase One: Empathy

“Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” (Romans 12:15)

Relationships start with understanding. You need to know the person before you are allowed inside. As it says in 1 Peter 1:22 , we are meant to love each other “deeply” from the heart. But how can I love deeply if I only understand the other in a shallow way? I can’t, that is the point. This is the hardest phase of friendship forming because most of us are selfish, we only really like to talk about ourselves. But real friendship seeks to know the other first. It takes time to learn what makes someone mad, sad and glad. That is where empathy comes in. Few people have actually learned this, but when you find a person who knows you on the inside, it is like finding a rare jewel.

Phase Two: Encouragement

“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.” (1 Thessalonians 5:11)

People leak. Joy and hope is like water, and the world with it’s trials and tribulations pokes holes in our hearts constantly which causes the water to run out. What we need is to be re-filled, and that is what true friends are for. God designed relationships as filling stations, we need each other. Most of the time, however, instead of filling others up, we join in with the hole-poking through our constant criticism and complaining.

But a true friend enjoys the other, encourages the other, breathes hope in the soul of the other. Blessed is the man or woman who fills others up.

Phase Three: Exhortation

“Let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds.” (Hebrews 10:24)

We need people in our life that help us become better people. But before we get to this phase in the relationship we must make sure we have already passed through Phase One and Phase Two. No one wants to be taught anything until they are first understood. Teaching and admonishing before understanding is called presumption and arrogant assumption. Presumptuous and arrogant people are no fun to have around – in fact they are quite irritating. But once a person feels understood, then and only then, will they be ready and even willing to hear the hard truth.

No one likes a person that always teaches. I used to call them nuns and nannies. But if a person knows me and they offer me just the right word at just the right time, I call that person a friend.

Phase Four: Exasperation

“Come back to your senses as you ought, and stop sinning; for there are some who are ignorant of God – I say this to your shame.” (1 Corinthians 15:33)

Did you know there are times when we need to let people have it? To wake them up, and to even get angry at their blatant disregard for God. But again, it has to come after AND ONLY AFTER the first three phases have already been attempted and completed. People everywhere are quick to jump to Phase Four, because if you notice, exasperation is everywhere.

We get mad so easy. But no one is listening because it is easy to get mad. But until you have walked with someone, taken time with them, tried to understand their plight, your exasperation will only be seen as a hot and uncaring wind blowing stale air. There is a right place and right time for exasperation, but it must come after every other phase has been exhausted! Who wants to listen to an angry person when they know nothing about you?

I have found that Phase Four, when properly reached, is what actually wakes people up to their sin. This is where life-change happens. However, I have also found that when you reach Phase Four after bypassing the first three phases people harden their hearts to you.

And this is how the love of most starts icing over.

Look around, people love to live in Phase Four, it is easy, and even exhilarating. But if you want to be a friend, take the time, for one whole month, to simply to dwell on Phase One with people – don’t even try to reach the other phases – and watch how people will warm up to you.

I think you will be amazed.