(Posted by personal request: This post contains portions of last week’s sermon on 1 Corinthians 1:10-16. Much of the information has been gleaned from reading Timothy Keller, Joe Martino Counseling and Personal Experience of pastoring for 25 years with families).
Let’s face it, one of the biggest problems in America right now is relational, we don’t know how to disagree anymore. We have not only lost the ability to listen but we don’t want to learn from others and come to a compromise. This value was something that made Americans great, but not any more. Now, a simple argument can separate neighbors, teammates, friends and family forever.
How do we live together if we can’t even work through problems? Well, we can’t. So learning the art of argument is a crucial skill in human behavior that needs to be rediscovered. And it needs to start especially with Christians of goodwill, it is our duty to show the world how to talk to each other again. To be “quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to grow angry” as James 1:19 says.
So to help us learn how to talk again I have put together a 10 point guideline for my church members that teaches them how to be civil. As I said in the opening, most of this information has been taken from other sources. I am not out to reinvent the wheel, but my job is to encourage people to be more like Christ.
So I offer 10 tips, that is all, and then I will end this blog and go to bed.
(1) SEEK TO UNDERSTAND THE OTHER: Before you even open your mouth, do everything you can to listen to the other side. Conversational love is achieved only when I can repeat back to the person I am arguing with their argument better than they can frame the argument themselves. I need to thoroughly and accurately comprehend what they are saying and trying to communicate to me or the discussion will go nowhere. Do you seek to first understand? If not, shut your mouth and listen.
(2) MEASURE THE COST: Is being right worth losing a brother or sister? Last week a powerful windstorm blew through Grand Rapids and it knocked down some massive trees. Some of the trees that came down took 50 to 60 years to grow and to knock them down all that was needed was a few minutes of heavy blowing. In the same way, we are at a time in American life where friendships that have taken years to form are being destroyed by a few minutes by strong winds of hot argument and ungodly debate. It is incredibly sad. Is it really worth it to be right only to be lonely for the rest of your life?
(3) TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU BELIEVE: We love to knock each other down, find fault in their point of view and then destroy their character. Instead of knocking down, be a builder. State your case without criticizing the other and then let them decide if they want to continue the conversation. The more you seek to destroy another person’s position in an argument the more naturally defensive they will become. If they don’t want to listen, that is okay, walk away. Better to avoid a battle that might irreparably severe a relationship – – and talk with the person at a later date when they are more willing and less emotional.
(4) SEEK AGREEMENT, NOT DOMINANCE: Why do people have to win? One of the biggest problems with people is that they can agree on 98% of things, but the 2% that they disagree on will often separate friends and makes enemies. Why can’t people let go of disagreements for the sake of unity? Sad, isn’t it?
(5) KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HURTFUL AND HARMFUL WORDS: Disagreements will come and opinions will often differ. When this happens people will often feel hurt, but if your disagreement is the result of simply sharing your opinion, the hurt the other person is feeling is on them. We are allowing cancel culture to cripple normal conversations. But harmful words, those words that seek to degrade, embarrass and even belittle the other, are sinful, and that is on you. If you share your opinion and it makes someone cry it doesn’t necessarily mean you are wrong, because people often use tears to get their way. But if those tears come from words that were meant to cause pain and anger, then stop sinning and come in kindness and peace.
(6) VERIFY YOUR INFORMATION: Before you make your case be sure what you are saying is factually true. Confirmation Bias is when people look for articles, stories, and headlines that support what they already believe and often the information they are so sure about changes the next day. News and information comes at us daily at a dizzying pace and often what we read and hear is completely wrong. Instead of stockpiling intellectual ammunition to support your side, try to read articles and find information that actually supports the other side. You may be surprised that their information is more accurate than yours.
(7) BE WILLING TO BE WRONG: Let us be honest, there is only one person who ever lived that knows everything and is never wrong…and you are not that person. Let go of the myth of your own genius and learn to learn from others. Jesus alone is infinite in understanding and capacity to know. You are finite.
(8) EXPECT EMOTIONS TO RUN AMOK: When convictions on important subjects are formed emotions get tied into them. Expect passion to be expressed the more important the issue is…and remember, having emotion is okay. Sometimes a healthy argument elicits passion. Don’t mistake passion for irrationality or sinful selfishness. It is okay to be emotional. It just means you are human.
(9) LOOK AT THE BIGGER PICTURE: Ask yourself, is this argument really worth it, especially in two or three weeks from now? Is this argument worth it when my grave is being dug? And what do I really accomplish if I win? Can I lose the war because I won a battle?
(10) FINAL QUESTION: Did I glorify God?
What is the purpose of life? Is it to be right, to win, to gain a following for myself? Or is it to “know Christ and make him known?” I remember I got in an argument online and I was winning, I mean I had a person backed onto the ropes and I was letting them have it. And then someone who was listening in to my conversation online personal messaged me and said, “I know you are my pastor, but you are not at all sounding like you are right now.” Wow, I was forgetting that social media includes more than just the person I am debating with. Interlopers are everywhere and they are listening and learning about your character by the way you argue.
Ask yourself, what do they hear? Is Christ being glorified?
