“Check it out I’m in really bad shape! Gimme, gimme, gimme – I need, I need, I need, gimme, gimme, gimme…” Bob Wiley, “What About Bob?”

Moody Bible Institute…ever heard of it? This is the school where I went to get my graduate degree in ministry. It is also known by any student whoever went there as Moody Bridal Institute – – the perfect place to find a Christian wife. I thought people used that name because it rhymed – – but the truth is they used that name because many people found their wife there. I did.

Ironically, one of the male students in my first-year grad school class said finding a wife was his primary purpose in coming to MBI. He explained to me, “God showed me in a dream that I will meet my future wife here in Chicago.” I asked him how he knew it was God telling him, and he said, “Because I heard his voice clear as a bell.”

There was one problem with this revelation coming true; the man never had a date in his life…he was scared of women. So he often would ask me for advice on how you go about meeting girls. My answer was simple, “Go up and talk to them, find out their interests and then ask them to go study at the library.” This was a Christian school after all.

Surprisingly, he took my advice and landed a few dates to the library with some very pretty girls. So each time he came to class after one of those library rendezvous, I asked him how it went. He would say, “Not too well. When the girl asked me why I came to Moody, I told her God said I would find my wife here. For some reason, that seemed to end the conversation. I can never understand why this happens.”

So I asked him if he ever heard of Phil Collins and his rendition of the Supremes’ song “You Can’t Hurry Love”? He said no, so I sang it,

But mama said

You can’t hurry love
No, you just have to wait
She said love don’t come easy
It’s a game of give and take
​
You can’t hurry love
No, you just have to wait
You got to trust, give it time
No matter how long it takes

He gave me a bad face after I sang it, I asked, “Do I sing that bad?” He said, “No, you sing quite well, I just don’t like the message of that song. I want a wife now!” I told him. . .

Love, respect, acceptance cannot be demanded, it must be nurtured.

This is not only true with finding a wife, it is also true with politics, race relations, joining blended families and you can see it clearly played out on an episode of the Office when Andy Bernard wanted to be included in “The Finer Things” club. You can’t demand other people to behave and emotionally respond the way you want them to. The establishment of healthy relationships and heartfelt commitment takes time.

You can’t force a woman to love a man, nor can you force one community to embrace everything about another without time, patience, and understanding. Enacting laws to curb injustice and personal injury is one thing, but demanding people to think the way you want them to think is next to impossible. Stopping micro-aggressions and natural human hard-heartedness is something you cannot force.

You can’t shame someone into love, nor can berate them into godly thinking. And legislation never trains a wild heart, it only makes it more rebellious.

I remember when I first became the Senior Pastor at our church, some people wanted me to have a relationship with them like the pastor I followed. They were actually upset that I didn’t spend time and develop relational closeness with them like the previous pastor. After a while, some of them assumed that the reason we were not having the same kind of relationship was because I was mean, cold-hearted and uncaring. When the truth is, I just didn’t know them well enough yet to spend all my time with them or open up my heart to them.

Some of their personalities didn’t mix too well with mine. It wasn’t a matter of wickedness, just patience and human give and take. Some people don’t want to give and take, they want to demand love and acceptance now. And if you don’t behave the way they want you too, they often will see you as a meany, or worse, a bigoted racist.

“Love me or else!” is the cry of a childish heart. Much of our politics is laced with this same kind of childishness. Love me or else, “I will riot,” love me or else, “I will demand laws for you to love me,” love me or else, “We will take you to court.”

The man who went to Moody with me finally met a girl that liked him. But he still didn’t trust her word, he thought she was going to be just like all the others – – leaving him once she got to know him. He was so insecure he started putting words into her mouth and seeing her genuine goodwill as patronizing lies and subterfuge. After a while, she left him because his insecurity was impossible to deal with. As a result, this gave him more reason to not trust women.

He left Moody without a wife. Did God fail him? Are women never to be trusted? Or is some of this his fault?

I think if we quit expecting others to behave the way we want them to, this world would be a wonderful place. So if someone calls you a bad name, stop allowing it to taint your perspective on the world, stop behaving like the world owes you.

Stop saying, “Or else.” It is for your own good.