As I was watching a video on time management by pastor/speaker Andy Stanley, I was absolutely taken aback by something he said. He shared a finding that felt like I was forced to look at my soul in the mirror. He said he came across a life-changing truth as he was reading some studies and interviews with terminal cancer patients. A hospice nurse named Bronnie Ware, recorded in a journal the insights she gleaned from hundreds of men and women who had less than 12 weeks of life to live.
Her research revealed that there were two main regrets these people had as they reflected on their lives. The second place regret was rather expected and obvious, “I spent too much time at work and not enough with family.”
But it was the first regret that shook me to my core. When I first heard it I was cut to the heart because it unearthed something deep inside of me that I know I daily struggle with, and I am sure you do too. Here is the finding:
#1 Regret:
“I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”
Read that again and let it linger. Isn’t this so true? We are ruled by expectations, and they are killing us. Most people are haunted by hundreds of voices of people who we want to love us, like us, approve of us, be proud of us and believe the best of us. We are born to please – – and people know this. So they use our desire to please to get us to do what they want.
How do people use “our desire to please” to get us to do what they want us to do?
Through voiced expectations: “I want you to do this….and if you don’t, I will be disappointed, angry, upset, and no longer pleased with you.” Wow, are those words powerful over pleasers. Why do we give people so much power over us? Why do we want to be liked so much? They are just words and voices.
I don’t know? Personally speaking, if I could silence those voices my life would be so much easier to live. There are three types of voices we have to stop letting rule over us:
SHAME: words that say our person does not measure up. “You are acting like that? And I thought you were a Christian?”Why do we allow people the right to shame us? Why is there even a group of people who we allow to take the position only Christ is to take? We have to learn to say, “So what? Deal with it!” That is a hard thing to say, and often costly, but it unlocks shackles that have kept us in a prison of other people’s making.
GUILT: words that say our actions don’t measure up. “You did what? How could you?” Isn’t Jesus the one who judges? Even the idea that I need to forgive myself is a narrative built on false guilt. If God forgave me in Christ, how can I not forgive myself? Am I greater than God?
FLATTERY: words that make me feel good so I will continue to perform. You are not significant because someone says you are, you are significant because Christ died for you. Flattery only works on those who don’t believe that.
If you had the courage to live a life true to yourself, what would it look like? And if people don’t like that life, and God does, who cares? I would write more. I would voice my political opinion more. I would not be so busy. Busyness is a direct result of being a pleaser.
I know I would spend my time enjoying God more. Did you know God’s expectations are a whole lot easier to meet than those voices of others in your head? If that is true, stop listening to them. It may set you free?
What do you want to do? Do it.
