There you are, nervously pushing your wife in a wheelchair out the front doors of the hospital toward your car where it is waiting in the pull-up lane. There she is, your newborn baby girl, sleeping peacefully in your wife’s arms. There it is, the heavy-duty, factory shock tested, high-strength, military-grade, aluminum-alloy car seat that is designed to save your daughter from earthquakes, nuclear bombing and alien invasions.
Strapping her into the back seat and gazing into her perfect eyes you instantly realize two things: (1) I will do anything for this child, (2) I have no idea what I am doing? As your exhausted wife falls fast asleep in the passenger seat you drive a comfortable 5 miles per hour on the highway home, avoiding every pothole and plastic cup in order to allow your daughter and wife the safe tranquility they need to arrive home in one piece.
Meanwhile, you pray, “Lord teach me how to raise a human.”
Did you know there really is no owner’s manual on raising a daughter? Oh sure, the Bible has principles and descriptions of character qualities you want your child to have, but where is the youtube video that shows you, “Step One…Step Two…Step Three?” Where is the book that says INPUT “A” to get OUTPUT “B”?
Well with our first child, my wife and I thought we found that book called, “Growing Kids God’s Way” written by Gary Ezzo and his wife Anne Marie. Don’t you like the name of their book? They actually were claiming that they figured out how to do it “God’s Way”. In my amateur parental mind I thought, “Finally, somebody cracked the code!”
Reading between the lines, the Ezzos seemed to suggest that if a parent followed their system of parenting you were guaranteed to produce “good kids” who smiled and obeyed. What parent doesn’t want that? Their system was based on a singular premise, “A child must be taught quickly that the world does not revolve around him; otherwise”, they said, “the child ‘will develop a self-centered perception that will carry into every relationship.’” And this teaching begins immediately, beginning with the baby’s feeding and nighttime sleep schedule.
According to the worldview of the Ezzo’s, that little fat ball of love in the crib is really an evil genius that is conspiring to take over your house. And your main priority as a parent must be to stop them from gaining control. So instead of feeding them when they want to be fed, you feed them when you want them to be fed. And did you know a child’s cry most of the time is a manipulative tool to bend your will to them?
Didn’t know 3-month-old babies were so devious, did you?
I remember one night I woke up at 2:00 in the morning and my wife was comforting our crying daughter in her bedroom. I looked at her while she was patting her on the back and I said, “Don’t give in, she’s playing you, just look at that innocent face, next thing you know she will be asking for $20 bucks and the car keys. Don’t give in!”
Well, a couple nights later I woke up again at 2:00 in the morning, this time my wife was zonked out enjoying a deep R.E.M. cycle of sleep. She was probably dreaming about her wonderful husband flying over Metropolis saving the world. Anyhow, I heard my daughter whimpering in the other room. I slowly went in, and there she was, tangled up in her blanket with tiny beads of sweat appearing on her arms and legs. She was hot and bothered and needed her dad to rescue her. So I reached in, picked her up and walked around the room letting her fall asleep on my shoulder. A thought came into my mind, “Chris, don’t give in, it is all a ploy. Your daughter is a master con-artist. If you give in to this ‘caught in the blanket’ ploy you will be raising the next female Al Capone.”
It was at that moment I decided I am done with the Ezzos and their stupid book. I decided to compare what they wrote to the Bible and came to the conclusion their principles to “Growing Kids God’s Way” was nothing more than behavioristic balderdash. I also realized that the reason there is no owner’s manual on a child is because there is no child that is like anyone else.
Every baby is a completely unique human being, and they have been given parents to love them and daily care for them – – not to control them like a robot.
After raising four kids I realized that parenting is not as much about doing the right things as it is avoiding the wrong things. Neglect, anger and hypocrisy can destroy your children. But if you are trying to do your best with careful love, the incredible grace of God will carry you the rest of the way.
Capturing your child’s heart is more about your heart than theirs. Why do you want your child to be good? So you will look good as a parent, so you can have peace and quiet, or so they will have a life that is full of joy? If you just want a kid who is “seen and not heard” this is more about your selfishness than theirs. Why do you want them to obey? So you can be in control, or so they will learn to trust their God?
The truth is, parenting is really tough. We need to stop comparing with others or thinking we have found the magic formula on how to raise great kids. But parenting is also one of the greatest privileges to ever be given. There is nothing like having your toddlers become your best friends after just a few short years of growing up.
May God give every parent reading this grace to love their children as they have been created to be – – not to raise a robot.
