Oh the joy of a good debate!

Arguing for the Weeks family was a fun way to pass the time. I am the youngest child from a family of six kids with a father who loved to start a good discussion, especially when it included strong opinions and possible conflicts. He was your classic pot-stirrer. If someone had a definite idea about an issue he would take the opposite side just to get us to think. My sisters were quick thinkers and quite verbally skilled, so they would not back down with him, or each other for that matter. My mom was blessed with a calm and cool demeanor and her answers were always backed by reason and research.

So you could say with our varied mix of personalities, whenever we gathered around the dinner table, sat outside in the back yard on lawn chairs, or rode in the station wagon on long trips, we always had lively discussions.

As the youngest child, I can remember just listening and watching the fireworks on display. Voices were often raised and the phrase, “I disagree with your opinion” was common. If I said something in an arrogant way, I was always sure to get blowback from my siblings. But one thing was always true, after our discussions we never held grudges. More often than not people said they were sorry, and occasionally a point of view was changed.

When our family started to take Jesus and his word seriously the sparks would fly whenever theology was discussed. I was around 23 years old at the time when my mind became awake to spiritual things. Daily I would talk with my brother, dad, mom, sisters about topics like “What Bible version is the best?”, “How long should a person stay at a church when they no longer agree with the teaching?”, “How do you know for sure if someone is saved?” Let me tell you, these discussions got quite heated.

So needless to say, by nature and nurture, I am comfortable with disagreement. And when passion is expressed, it makes it that much more fun. So when it comes to Facebook I tend to approach it just like I did discussion around the dinner table. But it has taken me a long time to realize, not everyone approaches it the same way. Even though I am comfortable with argumentation or heated discussions, most people are not. And to my chagrin, an off-hand comment or a voiced disagreement on my part has cost me the loss of more than a few relationships. I know when I push back against opinions I don’t agree with, many readers think I am just an angry, judgmental man. 

I must admit, I am not used to the pitfalls of this platform. People are super sensitive, and social media doesn’t allow for the nuance that a good conversation allows for. I also am not used to people listening in on an ongoing conversation without sharing their opinion. I can remember coming into a dispute with my sisters and dad and I would insert my opinion, and they would often say, “Stay out of it, you don’t know what we were talking about.” I forget that public debate online isn’t just between two people, there are others who listen in and then form opinions about you.

And more and more these days, any form of disagreement is now seen as hatred, arrogance, and dislike of others. I am learning that the hard way. In the safety of my kitchen, with people I love and who give you the benefit of doubt, an argument was seen simply as an exchange of ideas. On social media, it is a call to arms, political warfare is everywhere.

So is Facebook a good thing?

Absolutely and Absolutely Not! What a great way to connect with people, to encourage, share news and keep up on vital information. But wow, when you are not careful, it is also a quick and easy way to lose a friendship forever. Or what is the worst thing about Facebook is how quickly people take offense when offense was never intended. Instead of ignoring the comment feed, they take the words you say directly to heart.

Why do people get offended so easily? Why is everything seen from a political perspective? 

Sometimes I will write something to someone, and our debate will be heated or strong opinions will be shared, and someone not even involved in the conversation is imagining you are trashing them and they will hold a grudge against you. What a weird thing. So the offended person then demands the comments be retracted because they are hurt.

Why do people get hurt over a conversation they are not even in?

But I also realized when you are with your family, people know your heart and they give you benefit of the doubt when you say stupid things. Online, no one gives anyone the benefit of the doubt. So one wrong opinion stated in a slightly snarky way will get you labeled as the worst kind of criminal against online groupthink.

So how do we stop Facebook from going wrong?

(1) The impulsive poster needs to think before you send. This is my problem. When I debate at home I responded quickly to my sisters and my dad. It was fun to try to work on a rapier wit and quickly make your point. I am realizing that quickness gets you into incredible trouble online. I know people even hold me to higher standards of communication because I am a pastor and often I am told, “You have one job, communicate the gospel of God’s grace.” When you like to debate, grace is often not included. 

(2) The sensitive listener who is not good at following the context of an argument. This is the hardest part of social media, people don’t know how to follow the flow of a logical discussion anymore. Often comments are read out of context and they fail to see where it came from. And then they take something personally when it was never meant personally. 

(3) The contrarian who is always contrary just to be contrary. People like to always have a different opinion these days, I am not quite sure why that is, but social media is full of people who just want to express a different point of view. So instead of trying to find common ground, the contrarian comes in to blow things up. It is so strange how people just want to be heard, so they insert controversial and shocking things simply for the fun of it.

(4) Demeaning the person they are talking to. This is hard because if someone disagrees, people naturally feel attacked, so instead of addressing the comment, they will address the person with malice. Why do we hate each other so easily? I am not sure, but I think the devil has something to do with it.

So those are my thoughts, and if you disagree I have no problem with it. Just don’t call me a momma’s boy. That is how my sisters ended our debate just to make me mad. So is Facebook a friend or foe? It depends on how you use it…so I don’t know.