(Idea comes from Peter Kreeft’s fascinating book about the waiting room of heaven titled ‘Between Heaven and Hell’)
Off-screen Announcer: “Welcome with me our host for tonight’s show, standing center stage, that friendly familiar face, the American icon of schmaltzy television game shows, the one, the only, the master horse trader himself, Monty Hall!” (Applause)
Monty: “Welcome ladies and gentlemen, boy do we have a show lined up for you tonight! In fact, this will be my last show, the final deal. I was notified last Saturday that I was given the opportunity to air my final program before I go. But my final deal will be no ordinary deal, it is the great deal reveal. Tonight our three contestants have already made their choice on which curtain they would choose. We are simply here to see if they chose wisely, our viewing audience wants to know what’s really behind the curtain?”
“Stay tuned with us because after the break we will once again return to everyone’s favorite game show, ‘You Made a Deal!’” (Applause)
Commercial Break: “Tonight’s Show is sponsored by the fine people from Purdue Pharma – makers of OxyContin and Fentanyl. Keeping people addicted since 1991. Now back to ‘You Made a Deal.’”
Monty: “Welcome back friends and my faithful television audience. You know how this game is played. We have three contestants who have chosen what is behind one of the three curtains – and today we will see what they bargained for. This also is being shot before a live studio audience.” As the cameras pan the crowd everyone is decked out in a variety of colorful costumes: bearded men in ballerina dresses, ladies in blue pantsuits wearing President Trump and Obama masks, women in army fatigues holding yellow daisies and men in ties wearing white aprons waving large rolling pins. (Applause)
Monty: “Such a fine and diverse studio audience tonight. As we say here on ‘You Made a Deal’ everyone has the right to be what they want to be without judgment. Don’t you love it?” (Applause)
“Our first contestant comes from our very own Las Vegas, California. Like myself, this will also be his last show, his final deal you might say. Dressed in blue silk pajamas and wearing his signature captains hat, let’s hear it for Hugh Hefner.”
A smattering of Applause could be heard. One man dressed in a loose black tie and charcoal gray suit stands up and throws his shoe at Hugh yelling at the top of his lungs, “That sick creep corrupted my 16-year-old daughter. She was lied to by an advertisement in his stupid magazine promising her that she would be famous. What fame did he offer her? Abuse, disgrace, shame and addiction. Now she is a broken down stand-in for a ten cent porn agency. Monty, that man doesn’t deserve a deal, throw the bum out!”
Another man was standing next to him dressed in a greasy college fraternity sweatshirt holding a Pabst Blue Ribbon beer in his chubby fisted right hand. Taking a swig, the man wiped a drooling fat mouth and slurred, “Shut up and sit down old man! Hugh is our hero in the frat, and I think a poster of your skanky daughter is hanging on my dorm room wall right now? So I guess you could say she is famous…Cheers!” While taking another sip, the man in the gray suit cocked his right arm back and proceeded to land a round-house punch square on the man’s nose sending a spray of beer into the cheering crowd, and a stream of blood started pouring out of the chubby man’s right nostril.
Monty: “Settle down folks, remember this is a game show. It’s all in good fun, all in good fun.”(Applause)
“Hugh, the last time you were here your mom was with you trying to convince you to choose curtain number 1, remember?”
Hugh: “Monty, how could I forget? When they opened the curtain and I saw it contained a conservative Midwest home and a missionary’s salary, my mom begged me to take it! I told her trying to find happiness behind that curtain was ridiculous. In fact, thinking back on it I even told her that her superstitious idea of God was nothing but a myth. My mom was raised a guilt-ridden Puritan – there was no way I was choosing that curtain. So yeah Monty, I choose curtain number 2 instead.”
Monty: “And what a great choice it has been! A package of bikini-clad, blond-haired naive girls, offering life-long sexual pleasure at other people’s expense. Well today, since that was your choice would you like to see the final outcome?”
Hugh: “Yeah, hopefully, there is more than the monotony of trying to satisfy my sexual hunger and personal need for meaning? It never was enough, and in my last few years I just wanted it to end…it seemed like everywhere I turned I was being sued? Being called a pimp and a home wrecker. Hopefully, there is more than this…and I just can’t wait to spend eternity with Marilyn?”
Monty: “Sorry Hugh, you won’t be seeing Marilyn, and in fact, you won’t be seeing much of anyone or anything. Show him, Jonny, what is in the far back of curtain number two.”
Off-screen Announcer: “Well Monty, curtain number 2 doesn’t just end there, yes there is more, so much more! Hugh, you will be traveling to a faraway land of utter darkness. The temperature never gets below a steamy 200 degrees, and there is no water to cool your tongue. But before that, you will get to hear the testimony from every father whose daughter you despoiled, every mother whose son you corrupted, and of course, you will answer to the God you thought was a myth. Thank you for playing ‘You Made a Deal!’”
Out came two ugly demons with red tails both wearing a pair of white bikinis each taking Hugh by the arm dragging him through curtain number 2. Watching the curtain close behind them the crowd went silent.
Monty: “Well, I don’t think that was a good deal. Let’s take another advertising time out and we will be right back to ‘You Made a Deal.’” (Applause)
Commercial Break: “When that pesky mom wants to ruin your life by teaching you truth, head to the great state of Colorado where reality and a stable future will go ‘Up in Smoke!’ Sponsored by Colorado marijuana growers. Now back to ‘You Made a Deal.’”
Monty: “Welcome back again, and maybe our next contestant has chosen rightly. From Santa Monica, California, we have one of our crowds favorite with us for his final deal, please Welcome the popular Tom Petty.”
Walking out front of an uproarious crowd, came a tall thin man with long blond hair, wearing a dark gray top hat, and wire-rim sunglasses. Random whistles and shouts came from the crowd, “Don’t Back Down Tom!”, “Run Down Your Dream man,” and “You Got Lucky dude!”
Monty: “Wow, the crowd loves you!”
Tom: “Thanks man, I love you too, even though I don’t know any of you personally.”
Monty: “Well when you choose curtain number 3, a life of fame and fortune, it sure seemed like you got lucky after all?”
Tom: “I did. I got to do what I loved to do. Make music.”
Monty: “You seemed to choose that curtain right away. Did you want was behind number 1 or 2?”
Tom: “No man, I was too busy to think about it. I saw that curtain number 1 included people who followed the Christian God, but they all seemed like hypocrites and child molesters. So I thought I could do better just going it on my own. I don’t believe in any God, I’m too cool and too busy for that. I’m fine with whatever religion you want to have, but for me, I’m just ‘Free Falling.’ Whatever happens, happens.”
Monty: “Well, according to the producers, you will be fallin’, but it isn’t so free. In fact, well…Jonny..you tell him.”
Off-screen Announcer: “Well Monty, curtain number 3 had some fine print Tom ignored. While he is a cool guy, I hate to say it, the place you are heading to is not so cool. In fact, he gets the chance to see if he can indeed, ‘stand up at the gates of Hell.’ Since you had no interest in the beautiful God, you get no invitation to his beautiful wonderful place. I know that fans love you down here, but sadly Tom, it breaks my heart to say it, but you often stole his love for yourself.”
Tom: “What does that mean Monty? That playing a guitar wasn’t enough?”
Monty: “Sure looks that way?”
A sad Tom slumped away slinking into the back of curtain number 3. Two large curtains closed behind him. No applause was heard.
Monty: “We have one more contestant, dressed with a belt of high powered ammunition and carrying semi-automatic rifles, come on down, the Las Vegas killer, Stephan Paddock…”
The crowd went nuts! Furious screams were heard and the bull rush of angry studio audience was captured by every camera. The last thing that was seen before the station went off the air was a man being pummeled under boot and fist.
