I was having lunch this past week with a manly man. He is a big man. He is an older man. By every definition of the word man, he is that. He is a guy that I would look up to as someone to learn from and hope to be like. But surprisingly, he was the one who asked me a rather peculiar question as I was chomping down on a turkey sub from Subway – – it was toasted of course: 

“When does a person grow up?”

Boy, here is a man that seems grown up asking me when someone can be considered grown up? Strange, I would think he would already know the answer? I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I often wonder the same thing myself. I just don’t have the guts to ask anyone. Even as I turn the big “50” this August, I still wonder if I deserve the title of grown up. I didn’t quite know how to answer him in the moment, but over the last couple days I have put down my thoughts on what I think we mean when we use the phrase “Grown Up.”

So here is how I went about it. I began searching as any good private detective would to solve a crime: Ask questions, look for answers, and finally, arrive at some conclusions. “How do you know when you have arrived at adulthood? Is it your age? Is it your behavior? Or is it how many prescription pills you are taking for your joint pain and high blood pressure? What is the measuring line?”

So I did some research on this because I want to know when I can really consider myself a true grown up? Here is what I found…

A polling agency came up with a general answer on age: 29 seems to be the magic number when it is assumed that you have actually grown up. But I do know some people who are 29 that act like 15, and I know some 15-year-olds who act 29. For that matter, I know some 29-year-olds who act 50 and some 50-year-olds who act 15. So 29, 50 and 15 are just numbers, so that can’t be it?

I read an article that said there are certain behaviors that are sure marks of a grown-up: I will give you five, (1) You have a mortgage and you own life insurance (2) You watch the news, especially political news (3) You do your own washing and ironing (4) You own a vacuum cleaner & a lawnmower (5) and the majority of your conversations revolve around doctors, weather and your 401 k’s. But I do know some grown-ups who have done all five of these things but they have also bought a comic book and even watch Sponge Bob, so I am not sure definitive behaviors can be it?

So I thought about the people I consider to be the grown-ups I know in my own life. They are the people that just seem, you know, very serious. And after evaluating each of them, they all seem to have one singular thing the same…it is how they see the world.

I personally think being a grown-up is about embracing a certain mindset, it is how you see life. Adulthood is that “aha moment” when you feel you have lived long enough, seen and experienced enough, to say you have finally arrived. It is an all-pervasive, “been there and done that attitude” that touches on every subject, situation and even satisfaction and sorrow.

“Yeah kid, I know. If I have seen it or heard it once, I have seen it or heard it a thousand times. So kid, skedaddle, beat it, act like a tree and leave.”

And now, as a grown-up, your job is to simply live the rest of your days in comfort and avoid risk at all costs while you wait for “you know who.” It is he who should not be named; no, not Voldemort. It is the one by merely thinking about him, the man in the black cloak carrying a scythe will ruin your day and you will have to go back to watching the news to cheer you up on your favorite brand of anger and irritation.

So here is what I found if you have been wondering if you too have grown up. They are 3 principles that will color all your decisions. These are the values and traits of every “true blue” grown up:

* Propriety: behaving as you should in each and every situation becomes your highest goal, doing things as expected, dressing in conventional attire, acting proper, being proper.

Grown-ups rarely buy t-shirts with writing on them, tank tops, or ripped jeans. Oh no, what they want are the new Steph Currie shoes and a necklace that was designed by the Medicine Woman herself. (Only real grown-ups know who she is). Grown-ups always buckle their seat belts, they clean their plate after they eat, and grown-ups only talk about people after they leave the room. That is the proper way to dislike someone.

* Stoicism: enduring life with controlled emotion, no high highs or low lows anymore. Throwing caution to the wind and following your passions and convictions is meant only for the young – – a true adult is to face life with a chiseled jaw, laughing in small, measured bites (no guffawing allowed), and crying alone in the corner.

They will only laugh at the jokes that are obvious and not offensive. Adults do like to argue the price of a restaurant bill and color of paint. But don’t tread on personal issues, they are none of your business, improper, improper.

* Privacy: your goal is not to be bothered, your time is your own, you earned it, “now let me do my hobby in peace”, you have your few good friends named Hank and Harriet to play cards with and complain about the government with, that is enough, and you definitely will not allow yourself to ever be embarrassed in public again. You are a grown-up, doggone it, “leave me alone and let me be!!!

A grown up will never be caught dead blaring rock music, a grown-up will never purposely try to get attention in a large crowd, a grown-up will not run, sing or dance where people can see them. And a grown up will never do anything that will threaten harm to their reputation. They are proper, stoic and private…they are grown-ups!

That is why, I am afraid to say it, I don’t want to ever grow up. Maturity is not the same as being grown up. Godliness is not the same as being grown up. A grown-up is done growing. That’s the point. They are not open to new ideas. They are done.

I want to grow, but not grow up. I want to mature, but not arrive. I think the essence of Christianity is to never arrive, but always be open to change. A grown-up is not the same as a follower. Grown-ups don’t follow, they sit. Maybe that’s why Jesus wants us to be like little children?

Come to think of it, that is why Jesus wants us to be like Him, for Jesus never grew up himself. Maybe that is one reason people wanted him dead, he was always saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. He wasn’t proper, he wasn’t stoic, and he definitely wasn’t private. He was always working toward change. He was always causing problems for the purpose of transforming lives. He never liked people who thought they already had figured everything out.

Do you have everything figured out? Are you a grown up? I hope not. I really hope not!