“Now the overseer must…manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect.”
1 Tim 3:4
I was sitting on the couch randomly flipping through the television channels when I stopped at the Christian station. The man speaking happened to be a pastor in the Bahamas and he said something that struck me as profound:
“Too many times pastors view the church as their wife, and so they end up spending all their time with the church. But this isn’t true, the church is the bride of Christ, and in truth, these pastors are committing adultery with Christ’s bride! Go home and spend time with your wife.”
Wow, what a statement, the church isn’t the pastor’s bride, it is Jesus’ bride.
This is such an important truth to let sink in because I believe a pastor’s natural tendency is to feel total responsibility for the progress of the church, but it often is at the expense of their family. The church is Jesus’ family, and he knows how to care for it without you, as the pastor, losing your family in the process.
Easier said than done!
Enormous pressure is being put on ministers these days, and if not watched closely, these pressures can kill a family. Some of the pressures are obvious, and some are not:
– OBVIOUS ONES
* Achievement Expectations: preach well, counsel well, keep people coming to the church while always making budget.
* Apostolic Expectations: be godly, be wise, be confrontative, be right, and be blameless.
– NOT SO OBVIOUS ONES
* Appearance Expectations: be happy, be funny, be good looking, and be caring and kind.
* Availability Expectations: be there when I call, be there each weekend to preach, be my friend.
Which expectations are more demanding for the Pastor?
Which expectations are more demanding for the Pastor’s wife?
And, can a couple in ministry fulfill all these expectations?
The truth is, if you try to constantly meet these expectations, the amount of stress that you will be living under will be too much to bear. It will eventually destroy you and your family.
What must be understood above all is that…you can’t do it! You must realize you will never be all things to all people. So you must understand and decide what your family can reasonably do, and be ready to take flack for the expectations you can’t meet without growing bitter. I think bitterness and burn-out occur when you try but cannot meet the expectations of the people in your congregation- – face-it NOW, this simply is “Impossible!”
WHY IMPOSSIBLE? (I thought with Jesus nothing is impossible?)
June 12, 2006 — “Mary Winkler, half of what has been described as ‘a perfect couple,’ was indicted by a grand jury today on first-degree murder charges in the March 22 shooting of her husband, the minister Matthew Winkler.
He was the passionate young minister and she his quiet, substitute-teacher wife, beloved and respected in the town of Selmer, Tenn. The alleged murder has left his congregants desperate to find a motive to explain why, seemingly out of nowhere, Mary Carol Winkler allegedly shot her husband dead and ran away with their three daughters.”
The question of the above case is why? I dare say because of the expectations that are placed on the wife, husband and kids to be perfect “can emotionally kill”; and if you give in to them you are placing impossible burdens on your family. You cannot do that as a pastor. So the bigger issue is, “How do you avoid that?”
1. Consider what you can LOSE>>
2. LISTEN to your family’s perspective>>
3. LEAD them through the garbage with grace>>
L O S E
Ask yourself this: What would it be like if you lost your wife and kids because of your ambition? Is their destruction worth being famous and successful?
One of the most spiritual books I ever read was, “The Shofar Blew.” It is a book that puts into perspective what is really important. Fame, big numbers, sermons that ‘wow’, and happy congregants mean nothing as compared to having the love of a wife and the respect of your kids. If you can drill that into your mind you will avoid the snare of the rat race. Here are two questions to help with proper assessment:
· When you die, what do you want your wife to say about you?
· When you die, what do you want your kids to say about you?
Your answers to those two questions could be the most important directives for your whole life. I believe the problem with most marriages is that success is placed before relationship. But success to me is how those closest to me view me; and if my sons love their dad, I won! Who cares if I preach like Spurgeon and perform like Graham – – my family is my priority. Jesus will use me if I am faithful.
L I S T E N
If you agree with the above conclusion than naturally you must monitor the perspectives of your family and listen. Listen to your wife, she is your helpmeet so let her help. Look at this verse:
1 Peter 3:7 – What does considerate mean? What if you don’t listen according to that verse?
How about your kids, do they see you, do they hear from you, and do you let them in? 3 ideas to include kids:
– Let them always be able to interrupt you about
important matters.
– Let them be your teachers in their field of expertise:
music, video games, school, their world of ideas.
– Don’t pressure them to live up to the external codes of
the people in your congregation.
We are here to be real people who live real lives; not Saviors of the world. Be there for your family, that is what matters.
L E A D
One warning must be issued: Your family is not always right. There will be times when your family will have opinions on the lives of people in your church or issues of polity where they are not fully informed or wise, and it behooves you as the leader of the flock not to let their subjectivity affect your objectivity.
For instance:
1. Don’t share confidential information with your wife or kids that they shouldn’t be allowed to hear. People will tell you things that must be for your ears alone. You will be tempted to go home and share each nugget with your wife, but wisdom says “Be Careful.” I have personal guidelines for sharing with my wife:
– Don’t share if it will affect her opinion negatively about a church member.
– Don’t share if a person said something to hurt you and it will cause her to angrily defend you.
– Don’t share details of board meetings that don’t involve her, but would rile her up if she heard them. And don’t allow her frustration to cause you to influence a board and their decision.
– Don’t bad mouth your wife in front of leadership.
2. As a father, one of your main goals is to shield your children from the ill-will that exists in the normal life of church relationships. I believe PK bitterness occurs because Pastors unwisely inform their kids about the problems of people at church when they do not have the discerning capacity to handle it. So protect them by speaking highly of people in the home, or not revealing names of people that they know who may have disagreed or argued with you.
Another off the cuff thought: NEVER treat your kids as better than other kids because they are the pastor’s kids. Learn to treat them equally, and have similar expectations as you would other kids in the church. Your child is a child, so let them grow up in innocence and not under the weight of ministerial expectations.
HOBBY time:
The best way to end this section on family is simply by striving to make your home one that is a joy. Let your kids be your hobby. Let your wife be your friend. Keep home life happy. And when you do, you will find a welcome refuge from the onslaughts of ministry.
Some closing thoughts on family:
– I believe Jesus laughs, a lot. Your kids need to see that.
– I believe your wife has enough just raising kids, therefore only
expect out of her what you would a regular follower of Jesus
Christ in the church.
– I believe Satan wants to attack you and he does it by going after
that which is precious to you. Protect your kids in prayer.
– If your life doesn’t match your sermon, your kids are the first to
know.
– Discipleship is best seen in father and child relationships; if your
child doesn’t want Jesus, who then in your congregation would?
– Have fun, no one else does!
