Seeing ye have purified your souls in your obedience to the truth unto unfeigned love of the brethren, love one another from the heart fervently.
(1 Peter 1:22)
Have you ever met that deadly earnest person who constantly bemoans the state of the human condition by stating, “No one knows how to get deep anymore, all anyone talks about are frivolous things like sports, movies, hunting, nail polish color or what they ate for dinner the previous night. Why can’t anyone talk about serious things, things that really matter?”
What needs to be said to this person is some very simple but straightforward truth, “By your very comment you are revealing just how judgmental you are. And no one wants to open their heart a person like that. Your seriousness wears people out!
Talking to someone about NASCAR would be far more refreshing than having a knock-down, drag em’ out debate on everything from “What’s wrong with our stupid government” to “Why are most rich Christians hypocrites?” When you run into that person who only wants to talk about their opinions on what they think is important, it is better to run away than to get swept into their river of zeal and conviction dump.
Proverbs 18:2 says, “A fool delights in airing his own opinion.”
I am not advising that we only talk about silly things, nor do I think it is right to just sit and laugh while the world all around us is hurting. I actually am arguing for learning something so much more important than winning arguments & enlightening the world with our brilliance….we all need to learn “How to Love Others through Normal Conversation.”
Always remember, relationships are sustained through enjoyment; not intensity of argument. By nature, the human heart likes to spend time with those who like them. That is the basis for every long-term relationship. In order to help you cultivate relationships based on delight, I want to use an illustrative metaphor that I have found really helps you improve your relationships with others.
THE CAVE
I guarantee if you master what I am about to share, people you love will feel loved and will want to share their lives with you in ways you have never experienced before. This is not a manipulative technique to get people to like you, it is a way to love each other “fervently from the heart.” In other words, I want to offer you a chance to finally obey the Lord with your conversations. (See Ephesians 4:29)
Each person is like a cave. Inside their hard exterior of defense and mistrust lies a fascinating life full of stories, opinions and deep dark secrets they have hidden and locked up in the cellar of their heart. To love deeply from the heart you need to first be invited in and taken down into the cellar by the person – – but this takes trust. Trust is easier to come by than you think and it involves two very necessary steps. If you skip a step you will get locked out. . . Come follow me.
THE MEETING ROOM OF THE CAVE
When you first meet a person, it could be either a stranger or someone you have known for years, they will usually invite you into their cave to talk through “neutral topics” of conversation. Neutral topics are safe topics, they don’t reveal too much about a person, but they a crucial in establishing initial trust. Neutral topics are ways people feel out the person without investing any of their heart. Step 1 is to honestly enjoy the topic.
People won’t share much of who they really are because they want to see if this relationship is worth the time and energy. It is at this point that many people fail to gain trust.
If you view my “neutral topic” as silly, stupid, frivolous, or boring I will instantly write you off. So if I tell you I am a Cleveland Browns fan and you say, “I hate sports, they are all a waste of time.” you have just communicated to me that you could care a less about me and what I am interested in. The Cleveland Browns may not mean that much to me, but the very way you deal with the topic reveals if you as the listener are really listening.
Most people don’t listen. They are too consumed with their own thoughts, opinions and insecurities to even care about what other people are saying. So instead of asking more about why I like the Browns, or asking if I am from Cleveland; most people will jump right to what they like. Or they will explain why they are a better Cleveland Browns fan than you. When you ignore or “one-up” the person talking, you will not be invited much further into a person’s life during the remainder of the conversation. Maybe the reason all of your conversations seem silly and stupid is because no one wants to open up their heart to you? They don’t trust you with it.
But if you were to really listen, to “genuinely enjoy” the information that has already been shared, you will be invited deeper in. You could say something like, “So, have you been a Cleveland Browns fan for long? Why Cleveland, why not Detroit?” Your genuine interest is communicating safety. If you are safe and continue to be safe, you will hear serious things of importance quicker than you think.
DOWN TO THE CELLAR
People want to share, but they want to be safe. Safety comes from not feeling judged, and knowing you will not be mocked, talked about to others or written off because the information you share is too uncomfortable for the other person to handle. Step 2 is communicating acceptance. This takes the three “E’s” of communication: Empathy, Encouragement and Exhortation.
Empathy is caring about what you just heard. Putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. Empathy asks you to actually stop comparing or evaluating the failures of others, and simply care. Don’t you long for someone to really care about you without putting their spin on your situation? We all do.
Did you know we all sin? Did you know we all have rotten bones of memories and regrets hidden deep down in our heart? Empathy understands that and doesn’t judge.
Encouragement is finding the words that lift up and communicate hope. It actually shines light in the cellar and says, “Jesus can fix this. No worries, you are still loved.” Oh do people long to hear that…just once! That is the whole point of the bible, “That God came to rescue us while we were yet sinners.”
And finally, after you have proven yourself safe, Exhortation may be asked of you. In fact, you may be the only one who has ever been given the chance to speak honest truth into a person’s situation. If you are safe, you will be trusted and so will your words. It may take years to get to this point, but love is patient. We always want quick fixes, but remember, the sin that has been etched in stone over years cannot be erased in a day. Take your time, if God can wait, so can you.
CLOSING WORDS
Always remember, real conversation takes hard work. And to arrogantly say “no one is serious” is often just a smokescreen to make yourself feel better. The honest truth is that most arrogant people don’t have the patience to listen. But if you are to love deeply from the heart, like the bible commands, you have to at least try.
So this holiday season, enjoy small talk, listen close, and take your chance when you are invited in. This may be the first year people finally see you as a real Christian? Who knows?
